This state of immobility.

Ignoring every action I take that draws me closer to failing the upcoming subjectssss, I hereby declare that I am a human being and like every other normal human being outside there, I nonetheless have emotions and feelings, too.

I don't care who may be reading this, be it someone who knows me or not, my image and reputation is long gone anyway. Yes this is a confession. I just must say that I have been setting too high expectations upon everything I deal with daily, especially those I love to deal with. And yes it feels like shit when things do not go the way as your mind had seen it before it even happened. (Which it did not, by the way.)

And all of these brought me back to myself. I was rational. I was. Strong. I wasn't even close to how frail I am right now.

All these things I have within me now. Everything everyone - God, my seniors, my friends, my mentors, myself - has built for me this far, I know it is there. It is there. Perhaps I no longer know how to own and take up responsibility of that much... I really don't know. And I don't know what caused me to feel like I am losing every opportunity given to me all these while. What I know is that, I am losing the world that everyone (inclusive of me) has built for me this far. This realization took long enough to come to me but God, I thank You so much for it.

Imagine this ball of achievement - moulded perfectly, somewhere in this field. That is my ball. And my job is simply simple - to control the ball and just bring it into the goal. My goal. The ball is with me. I have the ball. I never went to any sports outlet to buy myself a soccer ball nor did I ever won any balls in any lucky draw but there it is. I somehow have this ball. And I am to kick it into the goal.

God is my coach. I never knew how to control or even kick/bring/whatever the ball around but He trained me well. I did fairly well.. For the first few months.

Right now I am still in the field with the ball trying all my best to bring it to the goal but here's the problem: I am not coached. And I somehow cannot see my goal any more.

My goal is nowhere to be seen in the field.

So that is why I crawl into depression at times. I know being depressed doesn't help but had I not said it earlier. I have this stupid unexplainable yet very overpowering thing called emotions and feelings. I dislike them for they always come together and when they come, they come. Empowering your mind and thoughts, gaaahh there is just no way to escape from them is there.

But I am aware that I shouldn't blame them for what I have become now.

(In the next post I will provide you some guidelines of how to cure depression, but that will most probably be after my exams because exam first, blog second. Ha. Ha. Ha.)

So just let me be. I'm figuring things out and I think I'm quite good at this. I think. My point is that, at certain point of life, feeling down and hiding in this cave of depression is necessary to make yourself a normal person. Likewise, the constant whether exchange is necessary in order to achieve normal. Who in this world would appreciate the sunny days if there was never rain? Or vice versa if you loathe the sun and love the rain.

Honestly.