Look at me

Sad and alive

Both equally, repulsively undesirable

This is my attempt to... find peace. Closure. Whatever it is.

On Sunday, my light, my world, my little flame, my dear Wallie left.

She left, and ever since, I can’t help but constantly wonder, where to? Where is she, where is her consciousness now? Surely one leaves to arrive elsewhere, no? I allow myself the senseless act of wonder, but not to dig further. I fear I may not like the answers.

I don’t know what to do, not knowing. 

Not knowing where has she gone to. Not knowing whether there was much pain and fear. Not knowing whether she knew what was going on. Not knowing whether she knew that despite being far away from her, she has always been a major part of our daily conversations, our daily lives. Not knowing whether she knew that we love her so, so much.

I don’t know what to do. 

I alternate between hourly/half-hourly sobs and pretending that this all didn’t happen. Watching Netflix helps my eyes rest. I don’t want to do anything else. I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to clean, I don’t want to function. I don’t know how.

There is so much I haven’t told her, so much I haven’t shown her. There is so much more to give.

I still can’t believe she’s... gone. And that I don’t know where has she gone to. It wasn’t supposed be like this. On Thursday in a self-introductory session I mentioned that, ‘I have a dog.’ Little did I know that it would be the last time I would have the privilege to say so.

I bought some flowers and printed some photos. The plan was to light some candles and say some words. But I couldn’t do it because I don’t know if it matters. Nothing really matters anymore. Not when the one thing that means the world to me isn’t around anymore.

How do I go on from here.

My dearest princess, my dearest Wallie, you probably won’t be able to read this, but right now all I can do, apart from letting the memories of you fill up my mind and endless sobbing, is hope. I hope you are running wild to your heart’s content right now, I hope you are in a happy place, I hope you get to eat all the food you want. I also really, really hope you know how much I love you, how much light and joy you have brought into my life, how much you mean to me, how much I think and talk about you all the time. I hope you know that you’re not only a good, clever girl, but the best one. I hope you know that I know how very brave you are towards the end, and how thankful I am to have you in my life. Thank you for letting me love you, letting me take you for walks, letting me share my food with you. Thank you for welcoming me home every time despite my decreasing frequency of coming back. Thank you for trusting me enough to let me pet you, let me stroke you, let me give you belly rubs. Thank you for using my lap as your pillow and my leg as your bolster. Thank you for letting us be your world and accepting us for who we are. Thank you for being our family and thank you for choosing us to be yours. I hope you know we love you very, very much, and we miss you so dearly, so awfully much.

I hope you know.

Happy birthday, my sweetest, precious angel. I love you very much.

Shelf-life

Past data suggest that every time I have something to say here, I am either bored, very much in love, or hella annoyed.

Today I write because I am absolutely livid.

(Well, I was. I have since removed myself from the situation and am currently sitting in a $500 chair in my pyjamas in a room with non-antartic temperature so I am much calmer now. Still, it lingers.)

Everyday I go to work I want to remove myself from the situation. On many occasions I even went as far as tempting fate. This can be done by placing a pair of chopsticks in a vertical position right in the centre of your box of Asian take-out meal. It has to be Asian because you need the mass of rice / noodles as a foundation to support said chopsticks' upright position. This method is not only limited to a take-out boxes though, I just prefer it that way because COVID and also I don't like to talk to people. To put it very mildly.

To no avail, of course.

I have since given up the idea and stopped the ritual and I now bring overnight oats for lunch. For the method above to work you really need patience, which is something I lost probably 56789 times in my entire duration at work.

And yes, today was one of those days. I don't know why I put myself through this, honestly. (I believe I know who, though, because I need someone to blame.) One thing I've always had trouble grasping is WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST LIVE THEIR LIVES AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE and also HOW AND WHY THE BLOODY HELL CAN ONE SO EASILY JUST WHIP NONSENSE OUT OF THIN AIR. Okay that was two. I really don't know how else to establish that I am in no way going to create a pocket of time out of my limited breathing seconds for unnecessary nonsense. If there is anything I can live without it's nonsense like this. And a job too, for now. I was this close to turning to my superior and saying my magic words today, which in my head goes like this: Please refrain from assigning me any further cases. When asked why, I will say, 'just, don't,' with a smile. When further pressured, I will say, 'my shelf-life is coming to an end.'

I need to capitalize on my emotions more.