Believe it or not I have Mozart plugged into my ears right now - at 3:39 in the morning. I feel oddly good. Why have I never thought of this? It all started with Batman V Superman, a movie I had just watched hours ago which I don't even bother to rate. One thing that particularly caught my attention was this actress, more specifically, her voice. The more she spoke the more I'm convinced that this voice, this voice does not belong to her. I have heard this voice before and it just doesn't match her face. Tucked away somewhere in my brain, I had a much more suitable candidate for this voice, the way she spoke. By the end of the movie I googled and boy was I right. The voice belongs to Mrs. Incredibles from The Incredibles. Elastigirl. Helen Parr. When I came back and was at my desk doing my usual stuff (nothing) this particular scene flashed by the back of my eyes. The scene where Jack Jack's babysitter said, 'Mozart makes babies smart' over the phone.

I was, afterall, once a baby.

In other news The Incredibles 2 will be released in 2019, fifteen years after the first movie. I'll be done leaving the world behind by then, ha.

Morning

I haven't experienced many mornings for the past two months. Those filled with sunshine, birds singing, and a purpose. My mornings were mostly dark, mostly dancing between the lines of late and early, and too often accompanied by a brief, melodious prayer from a distance away. I wake up in the afternoon, even though my digital alarm clock was always set to ring hours before that. It didn't matter. I still struggle to understand why would people choose to waste their time doing something they know to be so redundant, so meaningless, and yet - they still do it. Does the element of hope come to play here?

In a matter of hours, I will experience morning once again - the bright type. I will set my alarm, and I will be awaken by it, because I want to be awaken by it. I want to be awaken by it because I cannot wait to have a glimpse of what my entire year will be like. I want to receive the news. There can only be two possibilities: it's either good news or bad news. So simple, yet the grand distance between the differing implications of both. For the past week, I had been advised to draft out my plans for both premises. I dreaded doing it, but in the end managed to come out with at least something, and here's how it looks like:

Premise A: I pass.

Hi Ms X,
I refer to your e-mail below and

I have just received my results and am delighted to inform you that I am able to join your company any time from now. When should I go for the medical examination? Is there anything else that I need to provide/do?
Thank you for your understanding once again and hope to hear from you soon.

Premise B: I fail.

Hi Ms X,
I have just received my results and regret to inform you that I am only able to join the company after the second week of March. May I know what 

I don't even know 'what'. It ends there.

The news is expected to make its almighty presence at 8AM. Until then, until I open that fateful e-mail, my results are both of the above. Right now, right this moment, its both good news and bad news. Just like the cat in the box. But once I open it... that privilege vanishes. It will only be one of it, and it might not be the one I had hoped for. What, then?

Prelude

Eleven days into the new year and I have yet to do anything... significant. Unless having McD is counted. Then yes. I have eaten 3 meals of McD this year. This averages into 1 McD for every 4 days I breathe. Which is pretty rewarding, but I cannot speak for my future self. With no more classes to attend for the rest of my life (well, not the conventional type anyway), time seemed to have lost its dimension. I wake up mostly in the afternoons, and uh, I let time pass. By doing so, I'll be drawn nearer to certainty - Monday the 18th (results day ha ha..). On that fateful day, the pixels should start blurring into one, and hopefully (a very, very optimistic hope) it leads me to where I want to be.

2015 was exciting. I've learned things that I never knew about myself, and I've done things I never imagined I would. Although minute in comparison with possibly everyone else in this world, I'm grateful for everything that has taken place, and for the people who supported me and encouraged me along the way.

If you must know, I am not the type of person who plans ahead because I don't want to have expectations. I don't want to have expectations because I know the very backbone of our perception on 'happy' is built around it. If I knew that I wanted a hot mocha, and ordered a hot mocha, but ended up with a mocha frap, I would not be happy. Because what I planned for when I placed my order was to receive a hot mocha. I would be disappointed, because I had expectations. So as a measure to mitigate disappointments in life, I try my best to not expect anything. I'll take what life gives me, I'll go where life brings me.

But this year, oh this year, I'm leaving the world behind. I'm taking life to where I want it to be. This year, I've made plans for a... a detour. And I am terribly excited for what's to come. I know I would be crushed and go back into my tiny hole of darkness if things do not turn out the way I want it to be, but this has made me feel the most alive and motivated in a long while. To be able to have a dream again, to have something to look forward to and to hope for, is a pretty good feeling, I must say. I am well aware that some people may not agree on this and some may even judge me for it, but ah, if only they know how much this means to me.

When the time comes, everything will fall into place, and we will see.