Saturday Says

Tiny Thoughts

Me with Jojo Struys after the launch of 'Letting Go'

'She's so sweet; she doesn't even need any make-up,' said the lovely Jojo Struys.

Boy, I wish I could see myself that way.

Every time I look at the being staring at me in the mirror, all I see is fat. Tiny eyes, unnecessary deposits on the cheeks, very un-sharp chin - a very fat face in general. I have been skipping dinner for the past five months thinking that it would help me to lose weight thus reducing the fats on my face, but it seemed ineffective. Well if anything, it did the exact opposite. I can't help but notice the extended radius of my face after my trip back home, where, yes, I had dinner. Lots of them. There goes months of self-control.

So here I am sitting down in front of the computer after a good, heavy lunch and two slices of Swiss rolls, hopeless and unrepentant, while the washing machine takes its own sweet time to perform some magic.

Today marks the start of my fifth semester in college, and my hate for it is still as abundant as ever. I tried very hard to pay attention to the lecturer during class, but my eyes eventually succumbed to both my mental and physical exhaustion. It is April and I am very sorry. I will do better next time.

The other day I was given a piece of pink coloured post-it with a name and a number on it, and the name has been stuck in my mind ever since.

Now I'm gonna figure out how people usually hand-wash clothes and clean their toilets, after another slice of Swiss roll (it expires today).

I NEED to go to H&M. Or Forever 21. Or just somewhere happy.

RE: FUND

Ngoh Jess Minn
(Employee no. #127xx)
Banana Land

Far Far Away                                                                                                       7th APRIL 2013

Starbucks Coffee #146

To whom it may concern,

Explanation regarding multiple transactions which resulted in refunds

With reference to the above, I would like to explain two sad incidents that had occurred earlier today which resulted in two issuance of refund, both of which I am solely responsible for. Please understand that my supervisor, my Chai, and my dog had nothing to do with these sad incidents.

1. During the first incident, the customer had passed me her Starbucks card along with a black VIP BCard, which is applicable for a very significant 10% discount on the total bill. Unfortunately, due to my stupidity, I had omitted the aforementioned adjustment. Therefore, a refund on the transaction involving an amount of RMx had been made.

2. As if my day was not bad enough, my stupidity struck again later in the noon. It happened when a customer had used his credit card to perform a reload of RMx into his Starbucks card. However, instead of keying the transaction as a credit card transaction, my fingers had stupidly keyed it as a cash transaction. When I saw the cash drawer sliding out after I had confirmed his transaction, my whole world collapsed. It was one of those moments where I wished that 'Ctrl + Z' could be applied in real life. This mistake had not only resulted in a shortage of RMx from my cash sales, my poor supervisors also had to make difficult and troublesome adjustments on various items.

3. On an unrelated note, I ordered a l light-whipped Mocha as my employee beverage during my break. When my supervisor took the trouble to send it to me, I think I sort of screamed at him. 'WHERE'S MY WHIPPED CREAM!' was my first reaction when I saw this:

It was an excellently made Mocha, but my ruined mood had made me fail to appreciate it earlier today. Ungrateful idiot.

4. Could this day be any worse? Why, of course. I tried my best to coach a new partner today, but it seemed like he could not be bothered at all to listen to the annoying sounds produced by my very vocal cords. I thus became very impatient, almost giving up.

5. On second thought, I think I actually gave up.

6. I hereby clarify that from today onward, I will accept it with an open heart whenever you call me by the name 'LAN'. The reason behind this is simply because I am a LAN, proven by the various incidents that had occurred today.

7. LAN is sorry. LAN sincerely apologizes for all LAN's stupid actions and thoughts today. LAN hopes that such stupidity won't ever happen again in the future. To decrease the possibility of sad incidents as such to happen in the future, it may be best if you fire me. Or put me on fire. Or fire me, and then put me on fire.

8. I sometimes fantasize being hit by a car just so that I may forget everything. Yes, I am a coward and I want to take the easy way out. I'm just so sick of everything.

Sekian terima kasih.

Dreams, that's where I have to go

Dear blog,

It is the third and the last week of my rather unexciting semester break. I wonder how do I cope when I get pulled back into the reality of college life next week. Do I make new friends? Do I hate the temperature there less? Do I ever get to drive to college? Ah, nobody knows where we might end up, nobody knows. Speaking of which, I have developed a new dream job at one point during the past few days as an aftermath of sticking too long to the computer, which allows us to access the Internet which brings us to Youtube which contains endless videos of DBSK. It's really, really heartbreaking to be reminded about the separation of the most perfect boy band ever due to mistreatments from the company, and I truly wish that such thing had never happened. So I figured I could be managing SM's Human Resource department in the future! All I need is to be very good, a related qualification, and to be able to speak Korean fluently. Of which none of them I currently possess. But hey, a girl can always dream, right?

Today was spent (I hate how this word applies to not only time but also money) a little different from others. Attached above are the movies I watched with two other college mates today, yes, all three of them. Of course I did not pay for all three movies, silly. We had our ways. You can have yours too, if you were to watch a movie in the newly opened TGV cinema in One Utama. Anyway, G.I. Joe was very 'meh', surface and predictable. I did not like it. Side Effects was rather psychotic,  but I like to watch the pretty girl, so it was okay. On the other hand, Olympus Has Fallen was very good. In fact, this is my second time watching it. Every moment of the movie was exciting and you would want to find out what's next, scene after scene. I would watch it again if I could.

Well, that's all for now. There are hundreds of thousands of videos out there waiting impatiently to be watched. I hope to update you on my entire semester break soon, but I also hope that you may understand the timeframe for 'soon', as I will be working for the coming four days. 

Oh by the way, happy belated 6th birthday, dear blog. If you were a human you would be in your final year of kindergarten already. If you were a dog, you would have lived past half of your lifespan. And if you were a haemoglobin, well, you wouldn't be here today. But you are my dear blog, so please be informed that I intend to keep you alive as long as I live.

Thank you for reading. And thank you for tolerating my nonsense for 6 years. As an appreciation, I shall reward you with more nonsense in the future.

Yours truly,

Jess Minn

P.S. How weird is it when I say that I really, really like watching President Asher in the movie? Especially when he gets angry? I prefer this look despite looking way thinner and a little older than Harvey Dent. Attached below are three pictures because I couldn't decide which one I like best. Happy belated birthday.

Sad

I love dresses. I love to feel pretty.

Sometimes I put on something pretty and I feel pretty.

When I feel pretty, I feel good. 

When I feel good, I am happy.

But sometimes, I am sad.

I am sad not because I don't feel pretty.

I am sad because I lost many things. I tried very hard to keep them, but I lost them anyway.

I am sad because I feel insignificant. I feel stupid, and sad would be all over me.

I want to talk to my best friend about it. I want my best friend to make me feel better.

But I cannot, because I lost my best friend too.

I tell myself not to think about that any more. I tell myself to let that pass.

Sometimes I want to talk to someone else about it, but I couldn't.

I couldn't, because sad is mine. It is all mine and no one else's.

So I think about it, and share it with myself. I try to make myself feel better.

Sometimes I eat because I am sad.

Sometimes I don't eat because I am sad.

Sometimes I sleep because I am sad.

Sometimes I cannot sleep because I am sad.

I wake up everyday anyway. I see things everyday anyway.

Sometimes, I see things that remind me of other things.

I see the fan. I see the bed. I see pink. I see books.

Sometimes, I see people. I see good, happy people.

I want to be happy like them. I want to be like how I used to be.

Sometimes, I see people. I see sad, angry people.

I don't want to be like them. I want to be like how I used to be.

I hate being sad. I hate everything that makes me sad.

I hate myself for being sad. I don't want to be sad.

I try to leave sad, but sad has been with me for very long now.

I try to get rid of sad, but sad is already a part of me.

So I try not to think about sad. I try to make myself feel better.

Today, I put on a really pretty pink dress.

Sometimes I put on something pretty and I feel pretty.

When I feel pretty, I feel good. 

When I feel good, I am happy.

But sometimes, I am sad.

What's Up

Here's the thing. Since you are here on my blog, I thought that you'd deserve the truth. I failed my driving test yet again. Putting myself on the wheels for the first time in the year yesterday for a long day's practice (which caused awful sunburns on my arms and face), I have come to accept the fact that I am completely hopeless at driving. Before this I have only experienced one failure my whole life - an Addmaths test during Form 5. I have lived for 18 years passing every other tests/exams. No matter how unprepared I was for those stupid Pendidikan Moral/Sivik/Jasmani papers, or piano exams, or St. John exams, I have surprisingly never failed them. But when it comes to driving, I become the worst form of myself. I don't know how to express my frustration towards myself on this matter anymore, so here it ends.

I have been watching videos like this every night since I came back on Sunday. I can go on and on for hours and bed time would be very much delayed. The five of them were so perfect together its so painful to see them separated now. Every time I look back at their old performances or silly videos, I feel really happy, thankful, hopeful even, and my heart melts. But when I get drew back into reality, I get really confused. And sad. And mad. I hope to someday wake up from this terrible nightmare and resume life with the 5 of them together, but I know that won't happen because this is not just a bad dream. If there were ever one wish that I could use, I would definitely use it on them. I wish that their separation never happened. I wish that they didn't have to go through all the pain and trouble. I wish SM had appreciated them and treated them better. I wish that none of all these bad, sad things had happened.

This post should have been entitled 'My sad life'.

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

Yesterday I successfully sneaked into a class in another college.
Yesterday I also successfully achieved short-term happiness.

Today I successfully drove all the way from Kajang back here.
Today I also found out that I have successfully salvaged my four-point-o.

Tomorrow I will successfully pass my driving test. Or not.

In the future, I will live happily ever after, successfully.

And then one day we all die. The irony of life.

A 4-hour journey

... from the 3rd floor of Sungei Wang Plaza to the 6th floor of Sungei Wang Plaza.

  
Last Saturday brought me one step closer to having one of my biggest dream come true. Born six years ago, I have never actually dared to picture the coming of this day. When I joined one of the four lines (as seen above) once I reached around 9:30AM, I sat, there the whole situation started to sink in, and I literally felt this tinge of joy in my heart which almost made me tear. It was finally happening. I knew the waiting wasn't going to be easy and the time it takes could be used to achieve many other things instead (for example, travelling back to Kuantan and havea good lunch after), but I also knew that it would soon pass. What I waited for was basically the line, moving at 0.1km/h, to actually move rather than getting my hands on the tickets, but then again, waiting is really a hopeless thing to do. Thank God for this sweet girl behind me who became my companion for the entire queue. We chatted all the way, reminded each other not to rehydrate ourselves too much (it would be bad if one needed to use the toilet), ranted about the slow-moving line most of the time, made various predictions on the time for our turn - of which none was correct. I got my tickets and left the counter around 1:30PM, at least two hours earlier than what I had expected.

But those few minutes at the ticket counter were critical, and I failed to realize that beforehand. When I was at the counter, I couldn't decide on which zone to pick. Carrying the assumption that we (those who queued instead of purchasing online) would able to choose our seats only to find out that I was wrong, I panicked and I couldn't decide. I knew I couldn't take my own sweet time to think about it as there were hundreds more waiting behind me, so in a hurry, I went for the RM388 zone instead of the RM588 one. And I felt really awful after the purchase was confirmed. Yes, I was happy that I finally got the tickets, but I just felt awful knowing that I had queued this long only to get seats not up to my expectation. I called my sister and expressed this awful feeling of mine right after, and she reminded me of how many dresses that could have been bought by that difference of RM200.

Well, she had a point.

BUT THIS IS TVXQ.

But then again, it's only the two of them now (I die inside whenever I think about this). This is how I manage my emotions whenever I think about the tickets now. RM588 for just the two of them... doesn't justify. If it were to be the perfect five, I would have done everything I could to get the best seats, I promise.

Anyway, based on this experience, here's my conclusion of what you will need in order to get good tickets:
1. Blessings from a parent (both would be best)
2. Be real early
3. Be very disciplined
4. A lot of money
5. A very stable state of mind

I, unfortunately, missed out one.

Back to a place I once knew

This morning, me and a friend/my personal driver went back to our secondary school to collect our certificates. One of my favourite places on earth, simply because it composes who I am today. Many has seemed to change - our former classroom has even been transformed into a Mathematics room - but it will always be the place where the best of true friendships were created, and where most precious memories were made. It was the place where I grew. It was the place where I was the happiest, where I belonged.

My first year in secondary school was comfortable; I didn't have to step out and reach out to people, and so I didn't. When I was put into an entirely new environment during Form 2 with unfamiliar faces and situations, there I was pushed to try mixing around, being less dependent on others. I remember how I hated being in that class at first, separated with all my close ones, but thank God for all the nice people who treated me as part of them. I was blessed enough to remain in the same class with the same people the next year, but up til now, for some vague reasons, I miss being 14 the most. 

It was during Form 3 where two very important people brought in the turning point of my life. They encouraged me, and made me lead. They molded a part of me that I would have never been bold enough to become, and up til now I still am truly, truly grateful for them, grateful that they changed my life.

Fourth year in school didn't seem like the fourth year. Time just kept passing and passing. Little did I know that it was going to be the best year in my life, ever. Honestly. Everything was good, life was almost perfect. Bonds started to form, but it didn't happen as rapidly and as vigorously as during Form 5. It's funny that it took us all one long year to even start getting to know each other, but that's what made our friendships even more special, I guess. We were just a little bit more than classmates during Form 4, but in 5 Cerdik, everyone is there with each other, for each other. Somehow, there's this great bond among us that connected one another. Oh, the times where everyone would just be themselves - where people would sing, where people would come out with more and more nonsensical things by day, and where we would do crazy things and laugh together. There were too much memories created in 5 Cerdik - so much happiness came out of it that I'm actually afraid that I may never be able to experience such goodness ever, again.

5 Cerdik, SMKAA, class of 2011

This is probably the one thing that I would not be able to let go. I acknowledge the end of our wonderful journey together, but I could not accept it. How I wish we could all advance our studies together. How I wish we could continue living with each others' difference. How I wish that we wouldn't grow, that things wouldn't have to change.

But they say that change is the only constant in life.

10 reasons why I'm happy today (Thursday)

1. I had my last paper for the semester.
2. The paper was far better than what I had expected.
3. I stopped worrying and feeling awful.
4. Lunch was good and very reasonably priced.
5. I saw that shy shade of purple in my hair.
6. I had a large Coca-Cola.
7. I bought a dress.
8. I bought only a dress.
9. I will be having maggi goreng for breakfast tomorrow.
10. I am one day closer to home.

Right Issue;

among many other things.

Today marks the end of my 4th semester in college.

Today may be the day I break my record of 4.0.

I don't know what to feel.

I am hungry.