Raw

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is that I am generally not a happy person. Sure, I can easily find happiness around me but... I seemed to have surpassed my happy quota this week. Or month. Or year. I don't know. I had Spicy Chicken McDeluxe for lunch yesterday and I was happy but when I ate what I concluded to be overnight fries that happiness evaporated. I had Spicy Chicken McDeluxe for lunch today and I was happy for a while but again the fries just wasn't what I hoped to be.

Little things bother me a lot.

I feel disturbed but I don't know what is it. You know this voice in your head? Yes, this tiny invisible voice that made it possible for you to read. I vaguely remember being able to form thoughts with this voice in my head once upon a time. This voice was there. I was there. Right now, for some reason, I feel like its just clouds of thoughts floating inside my head. No voice, no actual words, just... A chunk of existence. Exactly. I feel as though I'm a mere existence.

Maybe it's just tonight. Maybe it's just the hormones. I've been trying to clean my room but it just won't get done. I've thrown out piles of junks but it's never-ending. I wouldn't know what to do with this, I wouldn't know what to do with that. And I'll end up like this being so bothered by not knowing what to do.

Post scriptum: I do realize that this space is overflowing with negativity and McD and my cleaning adventures. I'll try to restore balance in the force by making the next post a happy one.

I'll try to make the next post happy.




I'll try to make a next post.





I'll try.

Palsaik turns one

PALSAIK MEDIA APPRECIATION NIGHT 'Twas a night where I looked up to God and appreciated the existence of food all over again. We were warmly welcomed and were served this 'Korean version of Sprite'. As the crowd filled in I started taking pictures of the slanted tray, and everything possible (the things good cameras do to me). People took their seats and the night started off with a speech by the very kind and generous Mr. Chung, CEO of Palsaik Malaysia. And then the feast began. We (the two of us) were served food, food, and more food. Good Lord I will never have enough of their signature eight-flavoured pork, just like how I will never have enough of... sleep. Yeah. And then there's the seafood soup, the endless supply of kimchi, the pancake, the premium kimchi, the lanceolate roots. After some time it was finally time for the lucky draw, and of course the odds were not in our favour. They never were to me when it comes to lucky draws. We accepted our fate and decided to try this Korean wine, which was pretty okay to me. The night ended with the anniversary cake-cutting ceremony and we left with our bellies happy, hearts thankful to be able to celebrate Palsaik's first anniversary.

I will come back for you.

Loomings

Today

is gonna be the day

that they're gonna

throw it back to you

By now

you should've somehow

realized

what you gotta do

Call me... New Leaf. Some time ago - never mind how long precisely - having little or no neurons in my being, and nothing particular to interest me on board, I thought I would sway about a little and see the shady part of the world.

'It is a way I have of driving off the spleen, and regulating the circulation.'

For an interim of what seemed like forever, I caved in the deepest, darkest hole I have ever dug upon myself in my entire lifetime. Those were the days where salt and liquid would blend at multiple corners and nothing would have come out of it, nothing could have stopped it. Guilty as charged, I was not prepared for the magnitude which I had directed to myself as an aftermath of signing up for four papers, so, yes, this may be yet another post ranting about how I am about fail all these papers miserably. This time, the situation is so bad that I have moved my x-axis to 50. That's all I'm asking for; I do not deserve to even fantasize about one mark more.

There is no moral of the story. We all have constantly been told what to do, we all have always known what to do. We just don't do it. This incident had impacted me (and my tear glands, I kid you not) real hard and maybe it's safe to say that 1. I've been at life's lowest point and 2. I have, truly, learned my lesson. I do my homework everyday now.

That's it about school, or, as many people like to call it, college. I never liked that word.

I remember dreading doing this one thing - which took place anyway, on a casual afternoon where I walked into my third place, and created and submitted my resignation letter within five minutes. It had to be done - having six days of classes and not having the almighty competence to teleport around/drive didn't give me much choice. Signing off that sheet of paper meant giving up my acquired skills and knowledge, it meant giving up on my routine. Gone are those days where I would be up by 7, gone are those late nights hating myself for agreeing to night shifts. Gone are the tiny senses of achievement I felt every now and then, and I think, with that, gone are my... achievements. I feel rather useless these days, but a few seconds ago I made a mental note to not feel that way any more. I will figure this out, very soon.

And that's about work. And unemployment.

I also remember a time where I really liked talking to myself - hence this great wall of monolougues. Until last year I found a person whom I can even discuss the condition of my output with. I started to like to talk to this person more, and that's why the absence here. I don't even know why I'm back here writing. Probably because that person is asleep. And I haven't talked enough today. It's not like it matters. My results will be out in five hours anyway. But I guess writing just gives me this serenity studying don't (yes I have a test coming up next week). I guess it's the only way to remind myself of who I am, though there is no definite answer to that.

There. A year summarised in one post. I guess.

Save me?

'It's so easy to create stories!'

'Easy? Really? Tell me a story about... About that!' I challenged.

'It was at night. With her spray can in her hand, she was going to create a public piece of art. In the dark, yes. Then they came. They took her. Before she could finish expressing her cry of help, she was gone.'

I left the table and had this photo taken.

I say, maybe she thought that she wants to be saved. And then she realized she didn't actually want to be saved. That's when she stopped. Maybe she wants to get out by herself. Or maybe, she just doesn't want to be saved.

What's your story?

Ready?

Today I effortlessly took a nap that was longer than my sleep. I was only ready to get up when I decided it was time to get ready for dinner. Thank you, dinner, you filled in both my very empty day and stomach. Being tied to only three hours of commitment, Wednesdays are now officially precious, so I thought it was the one day I could be myself, thus I let myself be myself. I will never allow that to happen again. If it weren't for the dinner appointment I had scheduled for today, God knows when only will I be ready to face life. Well maybe, we aren't built to be ready for anything at all - maybe, we don't need to be ready at all (not applicable to exams, though highly applicable to results day, I say).

Dropped by Project Space (/Space Coffee?) post-dinner. Good music. Lots of lights. A lot of space. I miss making coffee.

Supper

Not long ago as I encountered my latest version of mid-life crisis, it dawned upon me that 1. I got this all wrong and 2. the only thing I am still good at is being a complete idiot and 3. nobody in their right mind would want to employ me.

At supper time, it suddenly became necessary to mention no. 3 to my parents, because maybe 1. I needed reassurance from them, or maybe 2. I was giving some sort of advance notice of what to expect from this girl who once claimed 'I got this', or, you know, 3. I was just being annoying. My dad would talk about what good accountants do, my mum would tell me things I already know but never bothered to practice.

The next time I have supper with them, I want them to be annoyed by the fact that I don't work for them.

Ha.

Stagnant

Mornings are either non-existent, or dark.
There is no such thing as breakfast.
The lights barely rest.
The phone is a form of reward.
It is also a form of destruction.
It's the only way to find out how near I am to bed time, anyway.
Oh, what bed time?

...... And then I stopped writing. 

It's just me

Hello space. Sometimes when I talk too much, I think I talk too much. And then I think about how is a person capable of talking too much. And then I'd always conclude that I have some sort of an incurable disciplinary issue, which I obviously do and obviously care not much enough to address it.

The thing is, space, I did the dumbest thing ever yesterday. Again. My life seems to revolve around dumb and dumber decisions as days go by. I do not know what to feel.

Later today I may be doing something dumb again, despite being well aware of the consequences. I don't know, space. I don't wanna care any more. I won't even be bringing Charlie back in hope of slashing out some dumb points. I hope it works.

I don't think I have ever done what I am doing now: Counting down to the unknown.

#PrayForMH370

Atticus said that Jem was trying hard to forget something, but what he was really doing was storing it away for a while, until enough time passed. Then he would be able to think about it and sort things out. When he was able to think about it, Jem would be himself again.

- Harper Lee, 1960