Loomings

Today

is gonna be the day

that they're gonna

throw it back to you

By now

you should've somehow

realized

what you gotta do

Call me... New Leaf. Some time ago - never mind how long precisely - having little or no neurons in my being, and nothing particular to interest me on board, I thought I would sway about a little and see the shady part of the world.

'It is a way I have of driving off the spleen, and regulating the circulation.'

For an interim of what seemed like forever, I caved in the deepest, darkest hole I have ever dug upon myself in my entire lifetime. Those were the days where salt and liquid would blend at multiple corners and nothing would have come out of it, nothing could have stopped it. Guilty as charged, I was not prepared for the magnitude which I had directed to myself as an aftermath of signing up for four papers, so, yes, this may be yet another post ranting about how I am about fail all these papers miserably. This time, the situation is so bad that I have moved my x-axis to 50. That's all I'm asking for; I do not deserve to even fantasize about one mark more.

There is no moral of the story. We all have constantly been told what to do, we all have always known what to do. We just don't do it. This incident had impacted me (and my tear glands, I kid you not) real hard and maybe it's safe to say that 1. I've been at life's lowest point and 2. I have, truly, learned my lesson. I do my homework everyday now.

That's it about school, or, as many people like to call it, college. I never liked that word.

I remember dreading doing this one thing - which took place anyway, on a casual afternoon where I walked into my third place, and created and submitted my resignation letter within five minutes. It had to be done - having six days of classes and not having the almighty competence to teleport around/drive didn't give me much choice. Signing off that sheet of paper meant giving up my acquired skills and knowledge, it meant giving up on my routine. Gone are those days where I would be up by 7, gone are those late nights hating myself for agreeing to night shifts. Gone are the tiny senses of achievement I felt every now and then, and I think, with that, gone are my... achievements. I feel rather useless these days, but a few seconds ago I made a mental note to not feel that way any more. I will figure this out, very soon.

And that's about work. And unemployment.

I also remember a time where I really liked talking to myself - hence this great wall of monolougues. Until last year I found a person whom I can even discuss the condition of my output with. I started to like to talk to this person more, and that's why the absence here. I don't even know why I'm back here writing. Probably because that person is asleep. And I haven't talked enough today. It's not like it matters. My results will be out in five hours anyway. But I guess writing just gives me this serenity studying don't (yes I have a test coming up next week). I guess it's the only way to remind myself of who I am, though there is no definite answer to that.

There. A year summarised in one post. I guess.