You do.

You make me happy.

Today, many of them came back.

I turned to my right. There Mandy sat, her hair tied into a really cute ponytail. She was doing her homework. She had ALWAYS been doing her homework. Ther fading-pink of her watch stood out in the midst of all other colours surrounding her. The baby blue of her shirt which both sides of sleeve were folded up to the elbow, the sweet, light orange of the desk, the soothing white of her papers and her pencil case. Her pencil case reminded me of mine. They were close to identical. I looked at her. She did not show any respond. She was so in love with her homework. And oh, that patch of slightly faded brown colour of her hair made her look like... Mandy.

It was a hot day. Sweaty, damp, hot day. I could hear the spinning of the three dusty fans above me, their endless effort to ease our lives was evident. Being a fan must suck a lot. Apart from the soft, constant noises the fans gave out, I could hear flippings of papers ocassionally. Books. They all loved books. The quiet peace that surrounded me while everyone was busy with their homework was a moment I could really sink in and just enjoy.

But no. It did not last long. It never lasted long. Wai Kit broke the silence. His loud, firm voice must do it's job. People responeded. It was Xing Zhao. Xing Zhao said something unrelated. Didn't he always do that. Usually, when Chi Sing feels like it, he would make some really lame jokes. But today wasn't the day. I turned to my 4 o'clock, and I saw him staring deeply into his text book. From far, I couldn't see what book it was, but I was pretty sure that it was Sejarah, for, that subject, that very subject, was the only one that really, really made use of the existance of such thing called text books.

My attention was then diverted to the bright patch of light blue behind him. Oh christmas tree, oh christmas tree, the leaves are so unchanging. Happy snowman was indeed, happy. His neighbouring village was a green farm, with mountains and fences and three lambs. Three happy lambs. Their eyes smiled. They enjoyed their lives in the farm. There wasn't anything much to be happy about, but they were just happy. I don't even know why were they so happy. Do we actually need such happy faces hanging their smiles 24/7 at, literally, the back of us? Oh please. Even the sun at the beach right next to the village was also smiling. He had a sunglass covering his eyes, oh yes he did. And that's most probably because we were all too bright and it would hurt a lot to stare at us for the whole year. Hah.

A slight breeze rushed through me in the most gentle way possible. Ah, I wished it had stayed. I wish I had the chance to tell  it how much I have always loved and enjoyed it's presence, how much it could affec my life and make me a happier person by just simply, being there all day. It went away so fast.

I could hear soft but obvious whispering from behind. Chuan Jet said something to Yoeng Nam and they burst into a very akward laughter. Followed by Wei Ming's. I didn't bother to ask, knowing that they wouldn't share it with me. Sexists. Jou Jin turned around and asked what was that all about. They laughed in reply. This time their laughters went so bad that even Shar Min and Jamie turned around. Unable to hold back any more, the three girls laughed at their laughters. Mandy was having so much bond with her books that nothing else interested her, not even that increasingly laud and crazy laughters from behind. After some time, when they had managed to regain control on themselves, the boys gave Jou Jin and the girls some hints. Then, simultaneously, their heads all turned to one same direction - my 12 o'clock.

I looked back at my watch to check the time, again. This time I wasn't as dissapointed as before. My watch finally showed 10:45 and almost immediately, an imaginary bell, which was stuck in my head for long, rang. It was finally time to go!!! At that point I could already feel my soul being pulled closer and closer towards that packet of Tomyam Meehoon under my desk, with it's ridiculously alluring aroma. I had to go. I wanted to eat it right there and then, on my desk in the classroom (as how I have always did) with no teacher supervising at the moment, but then it would just seem so terribly unfair to the others, had I taken it out, unwrapped it and released the gorgeous aroma into the atmosphere. They would be devastated to find out that our souls belonged to each other and nothing could change that.

So I took the packet, stood up, and walked out from 5 Cerdik.

I need to eat.

This is how I lived for the past few days. Not specifically cookies, but yeah, I do feed myself well alright.

Oh, the love I have for myself.

Early Saturday morning.

During this awesome mini reunion

I went Facebook and saw this

THIS.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Friday thoughts.

I'll be having my mid-term exam in two week.

The five subjects I'm taking during this semester are Introduction to IT, Financial Accounting, Principals of Management, Microeconomics and Academic English, of which 3 of them were completely new to me. Not to mention they never fail to bore me.

I have decided what I have decided. It's for the best after all. I know that by doing this it means that I'll never be able to wear scrubs for working purpose in the future. I also know that it is the right thing to do. Time will tell.

Whatever you are, be excellent.

I plan to live on this motto.

Oh, just because.

Good old times.
So good that I 'm starting to forget how good it was, given the complete opposite situation I'm submerged in now.

Aiyo I'm not depressed la I just don't want to grow up, can?

We all know the answer to that.

Where has time gone?

I find it a difficult task to catch up with time lately.

It was a totally different story a few months back then. I did not have to be at college by 8 in the morning, and most of the days I'll be free from 2PM onward - I'll even have time to work and get sufficient sleep at night. But now, I'll have to be up by 6AM and the earliest I can get back home is 6PM.

One other major difference between last semester and this semester is that I cannot even afford to get my daily dose of 9gag now. Oh the joy and fun that could never be retrieved. (I've probably missed 5000 posts on the hot page, and you know that I'm not even exaggerating when I end the figure with 0's instead of random digits)

Among the exciting things I did after I returned from Hong Kong were, in chronological order, 1) working and getting triple pay (aweeeeesomeee), 2) almost dragged myself into a medic school (I'll never get over medicine I tell you), 3) going back to Kuantan for form six registration and all (more on that later, but it's not necessary, so nah), 4) being part of the crazy crowd at Isetan's grand opening (judge not), 5) sitting for my Malaysian Studies final exam which I was only informed about exactly a week earlier (chances are I'm gonna flung), 6) skipping classes to attend the Starbucks training class which was held today, and finally getting to watch The Avengers with my colleagues (today was a good day).

So I guess this is an update. I really do intend to keep this blog as alive as it was years back then but that may not be possible for me to achieve, yet, as I'm still trying to sort out my time for things and all. Yeah I really do need to start planning ahead of time. Which is really ironic because I have to dismiss my pre-plan (which I had just now before writing this post, of what to do after I finish this post) now because it's so late right now I cannot watch the few newest episodes of Revenge which has laid inside this very laptop for weeks already. So near, yet so far.


You may find a picture of me with Mr. Einstein attached below, because E=MC² and I can't even remember what does that mean.

P.S. I am now officially a Batista! Hah.

Suay/If Only

Today I'll share about how suay (um, bad?) I sometimes feel. Not like fall down and hurt myself that very suay type la, but seriously, exciting things happen whenever I'm not around. And bad things happen when I am around. (I spilled some food in my aunt's car and then the next day I almost burn down the house while heating up my lunch and then the next day I broke a percelein bowl in my first attempt to make some spaghetti carbonara. Three consecutive days of suay-ness, true story, my aunt can confirm that.)

So here's some of the things that I have missed out (WHICH I'M NOT SUPPOSE TO), or just simply, the suay things that happened to me lately:

1. Fly FM's Pagi Rock Crew road trip to Starbucks TTDI, the place where I work

No explanation for this. I think I was doing the closing shift the night before so I was really tired, I don't think I can wake up at 5AM the next day to help them set up their things and all. But when I woke up that dreadful morning I started to regret. Like, what was I thinking? They're people from a national radio station! How rare does this happen why didn't I make the effort if don't want to work at least go and see la blah blah blah. Sheesh.

If only I had made the effort to wake up and at least see how it's like! Mehh.

2. Hollywood actress Serinda Swan's visit to - yeah you got it - THE PLACE I WORK

Haha. Just. Haha. A celebrity. In my work palce. When I wasn't working. Haha. It was a Thursday, also the day I took my last paper for my mid-term exam. Normally I would work in the evening should my class end earlier than 4. But that day, on that particular day, I decided to take the day off, simply because I thought that I should relax after this two-day exam (seriously) instead of rushing up and down to get to my work place on time. Hence I did the usual, haning out in the mall looking at pretty things and oh I even paid to play the paino haha. Little did I know that I was actually missing the chance to meet, and even work with a Hollywood Actress! I only found out the next day ROAR. Serinda acted in Tron Legacy, Percy Jackson: The Lightning Theif, Smallville and more. She was here for the second episode of theLIFEpad interview. For more info look up in Starbuck's Facebook page. After the interview she came into the bar and made some drinks.. Yeah. I could have been in the bar.

If only I wasn't that lazy and had not take the day off.

3. KDU January 2012 Scholarship Presentation Ceremony

Just about two weeks ago. I had no idea about the whole event until I saw the pictures on Facebook days later. Curious, I asked my fellow classmate (who is also under a scholarship program) about it. She told me she was informed by her friend who was informed by the brother. No letters or e-mails? No. Not at all. Apparently they put up a notice on the notice board in the DJ campus and expected everyone to read it, including the students from the SS13 campus. They also expect students who were having their semester break, e.g. ME to know about the ceremony by just simply putting up a piece of paper on the notice board. Never mind. I then went and ask about my certificate (my friend told me that each of them were given one) and that's the part where it started to piss me off. The event organizer told me that I am not allowed to have a certificate since I did not attend the ceremony. According to her, certificates will only be given out to those who made the effort to show up, and it would be unfair to them if she had given out certificates to those who did not. That was the point where I felt like slapping her GOD PLEASE DON'T LET HER READ THIS. But seriously. How is it fair to me then? If they think that a piece of notice is enough, they should think again. I was so mad about it that I even started to develop negative feelings and thoughts about that place YOU DID NOT READ THIS. I know, it's just a piece of certificate stating that [your name] is under a [scholarship program name] in [college name]. It may be just that simple but what if, in the future, it isn't? What if someone had a better advantage than I do just because of that annoying certificate? Bah.

If only I - wait this has nothing to do with me. All I can say is that if only I wasn't that suay. Whatever.

4. Matriculation

I did not get it. I got Form 6 instead. Now my only hope to persue Science stream is gone. Just gone. My friend told me that they only accept students with 7A+'s and above. Haha. I got 6. Suay or not you tell me.

If only I had started studying my Sejarah wayyyyyyyyyyy earlier HAHAHA.


There are still a few very suay occasions I think but I can't think of any more right now. What I can think of, right now, are the exciting things that I am going to miss out during the next few days where I am not going to be around because I'll be on a vacation to Hong Kong, the very birth place of our beloved 9gag. Among them are:

1. Watching Avengers for free with my aunt and uncle on Friday

She was able to get complimentary tickets because work stuffs. Who doesn't want to watch Avengers for free?

If only I'm around.

2. SMK Alor Akar's Hari Anugerah on Saturday

I'm not sure whether I'm invited or not though. But I am sure that I'll be meeting many of my beloved friends should I go back to Kuantan. I miss them dearly. I miss being in a class together where funny, stupid, bad things happen. We were all together back then. Sigh.

If only I'm around.

3. Fly FM's event in Starbucks TTDI.... again

Yeah... I'm missing it AGAIN. Fly FM. In my work place. TWICE. Not around during both times.

I'm only I'm around.

4. The chance to win a computer

Went to my first IT class this Monday and the lecturer mentioned that he's gonna invite another lecturer to give a talk on the inside of the computer. He would hold a competition the following week or after, which I would not be able to take part because I wouldn't know what to do, as the competition is based on what the guest lecturer had taught us. The person who fixes the computer the fastest, wins, and therefore shall be given the honour to walk away with the computer. I know, I know, what are the chances for me to win you ask. Well I don't know either but maybe, just maybe, maybe I'm actually good at this! I just never knew because I was never exposed to such thing. That may be the turning point of my life! Okay just maybe.

If only I'm around.


Alright I think that's about it. Actually I won't call it 'suay' for missing the things here just because I won't be around. I'll be on a vacation! A good one hopefully. The most exciting part to me is getting to eat a pork burger from McDonald's. Second exciting part is that this would be my first time boarding a plane, true story. Third exciting part is how I'm going to clean my super messy room and also do the huge pile of laundry and also pack for the trip and also make another Tiramisu all by tonight because my family would be here tomorrow evening and sadly I would be working in the morning and having class in the afternoon tomorrow which gives no more space to procrastinate.

Cookie Crumble!

Here's a sneak peek to all Starbucks fans, hopefully it doesn't cost me my job HAHA.

Since I had class yesterday, I took the day off. Well actually, my manager let me off for this whole week because it's the first week of my new semester. But I went to work today anyway despite having a one-hour class. Uh back to yesterday. As usual I would take a bus to 1U and then from there another bus back home. BUT I only realize that it was already raining heavily by the time I decided to go home after I'm done satisfying my eyes with pretty pretty things. It was a happy day because I bought this pretty dress, with much guilt and some cash, of course. So after waiting for some time the bus arrived and I boarded it anyway because I was hoping that the rain wouldn't be that heavy by the time the bus reaches my area... Apparently hoping wasn't enough. The rain got even heavier so I just walked across from the bus stop to Starbucks (which is a much shorter distance from the bus stop to my aunt's house) to wait for the rain to stop. Wait. Why am I even telling you about this.

Coincidentally, two other colleagues of mine who took the day off were there, so my manager decided to hold a mini meeting to brief us about the upcoming Summer promotion. The first phase of Summer Promotion 2012 starts next week, 24th April and I caaaaaan't wait! All baristas would have to wear a new different cap, to promote the summer spirit I guess. I'm not going to reveal much here, but there's definitely many new things coming up! There's this very mini Starbucks card, this charm, this new blend, and this new very special Frappucino blended beverages. If you're a Starbucks fan and you intend to collect all the cards and charms, I must warn you that it's not gonna be easy to get it. But if you are always with unlimited cash supplies, you don't have to worry. Just be earlier than others. And oh of course, there will be the weekly Happy Hour to ensure that you'll be happy. HAH.

We tried the new drinks and all... Yeah that's about it. I'm just so excited about this Summer Promotion I have to post this here. Here's something new:

It tasted good! Please don't tell my mum that I drank three of these. I'm not suppose to drink anything cold SINCE THREE MONTHS AGO because of my annoying flu and phlegm. 

Yeah bye.

HATE IT.

Don't you hate it when Josh Hutcherson was originally ALL YOURS and you did not even have to share him with any other being any where nearby, and then all of a sudden because of one bloody (very awesome) movie, everyone else goes crazy about him? LIKE FREAKING POSTING 'OH, I LOVE JOSH BLAH BLAH BLAH' ON FACEBOOK AND ALL?

Oh no, you don't know how it feels, because a year ago he was nobody to you. Right?

He's mine. He's mine since 2006 so shut up. Just shut up.

Some shitty shits I just have to say.

This post is going to end up inconclusive (and rather shitty), because that is just the way I do things. Sue me.

The problem with me is that I can never decide things. I don't know what I want for myself. And I doubt that I have the intention to find out. When I saw a status of a friend from college on Facebook just now stating her excitement over the new subject we're going to learn in the coming semester - microeconomics, my reaction was like, meh, microeconomics, I don't even know what is that shit about. Then suddenly it hit me. If it's something I do not know about, I should be as excited as she was about it, for I will be learning something new, like for the first time since forever. But I am not, at all. So what is my problem?

Passion. That's the closest to reasonable answer my brain gave me, at least. I began picturing in my mind. If the subjects for my new semester sounded something more scientific (cannot give any examples here as I feel so far away from science that I cannnot even name something scientific, apart for chemistry, physics and biology), it would definitely sound interesting. And why is that so? Why does these imaginary scientific subjects I pictured sounded more interesting than uh, microeconomics, management accounting and shit? Oh it's because I have forgotten that my true passion was (is?) science in the first place.

I am in such deep shit aren't I.

Then again, for the 244366534th time I'm writing here, I am a lazy person - or so that's what I think. And this terrible, horrible laziness that literally lives inside my body has done so much damage to myself. I could have sat at the table longer, I could have spared more of my time for homework and reversion, I could have studied harder, smarter - but I did not. That was where I began to slip, but I did not realize it until it was too late. Very much late indeed. I did get a B+ for my biology (God bless me, really), but I can tell you, honestly, there isn't a single chapter I am even 60% sure about. Like I did not gain any biological knowledge for the past two years. Where have I been then?

That, I really don't know. Possible excuses (yes excuses, because they will never be a valid reason) I could give you include a BIG ST. JOHN activities and competitions, boyfriend, friends, losing a friend, losing another friend, feeling shitty about myself, being president, being a prefect, some stuffs I don't like and more shitty excuses. But at the end of the day I will always know that those are just excuses. There are hundreds and thousands more of students out there dealing with their own issues and theirs may be much shittier but they still can do it. So maybe I'll just have to accept the fact that I am not good at living life.

Yes. I lead a bad life. And I feel bad about it. Some people don't even get chances and opportunities that I do and yet I don't make the best out of it. It has become the way I live -  a lifestyle, I say. I lead so, so badly. To those juniors who told me I was a good cadet leader, thank you very much, but I feel so, so bad when they say such thing, because I know I am not what they say I am. Had I been given the chance to go back to last year, I would definitely make things right. I don't even know how people do it, being good at everything. Maybe that's because I have never pushed myself the way I should. I ought to, but well, you know.

I am not proud of the things I've done, and I am certainly not proud of who I am. I am not suppose to be who I am today. According to plan, I am suppose to be that person I have always wanted to be. I have failed on doing that. Shit happens. And I deal with shits so shittily that it made me such a shitty person right now. For example, I avoid things. I try my best to avoid problems and shits instead of overcoming them. When someone I think owe an apology to talks to me, I ignore them. When the playlist shuffled to a TVXQ song, I press next. Yes, it is that bad.

There are just some things I have never talked about here just because I don't see the necessity to face them. Well truth is, no matter how much pain it's going to bring, we all have to deal with our problems. Escapism is never the answer - I know that, but I do not live with that. I just stopped posting about TVXQ here all of a sudden and I've never explained what happened. It's because I don't even dare to write it out. That they have been disbanded. That they have parted. And at some point I felt hurt and betrayed, because of the hope they have once given me. They have said before that they will always be together no matter what, and when the news of their disband was confirmed, I didn't even want to read it. Of course, it wasn't their fault, like I said, shit happens. But everything about them just reminds me of the good old happy times they have once given to me, and now that I know that I'll never have them back, I just..don't know what to do. So whenever I saw something about them on the net, or in the magazines, or when their song plays, I will do what has already become my habit - ignore. And I'm not proud of what I do.

I don't know what to do.

I really don't know what to do.

No matter how many times I think about it, how many people I ask about it, at the end of the day I am the one who is going to make the decision. My conclusion is that I want to do something I am really good at, and be excellent at it, and feel absolutely good at my career. I want to be so good at it that I can tell whether it's right or wrong immediately when asked. I can promise that I will be good at my job if I am going to be a boring accountant, but I can't promise that I will not give second shitty thoughts and feel bad and sad and full of regrets when I see someone else wearing scrubs, when I am not.

I am being mad at life, or rather, should I say, myself.