This post is going to end up inconclusive (and rather shitty), because that is just the way I do things. Sue me.
The problem with me is that I can never decide things. I don't know what I want for myself. And I doubt that I have the intention to find out. When I saw a status of a friend from college on Facebook just now stating her excitement over the new subject we're going to learn in the coming semester - microeconomics, my reaction was like, meh, microeconomics, I don't even know what is that shit about. Then suddenly it hit me. If it's something I do not know about, I should be as excited as she was about it, for I will be learning something new, like for the first time since forever. But I am not, at all. So what is my problem?
Passion. That's the closest to reasonable answer my brain gave me, at least. I began picturing in my mind. If the subjects for my new semester sounded something more scientific (cannot give any examples here as I feel so far away from science that I cannnot even name something scientific, apart for chemistry, physics and biology), it would definitely sound interesting. And why is that so? Why does these imaginary scientific subjects I pictured sounded more interesting than uh, microeconomics, management accounting and shit? Oh it's because I have forgotten that my true passion was (is?) science in the first place.
I am in such deep shit aren't I.
Then again, for the 244366534th time I'm writing here, I am a lazy person - or so that's what I think. And this terrible, horrible laziness that literally lives inside my body has done so much damage to myself. I could have sat at the table longer, I could have spared more of my time for homework and reversion, I could have studied harder, smarter - but I did not. That was where I began to slip, but I did not realize it until it was too late. Very much late indeed. I did get a B+ for my biology (God bless me, really), but I can tell you, honestly, there isn't a single chapter I am even 60% sure about. Like I did not gain any biological knowledge for the past two years. Where have I been then?
That, I really don't know. Possible excuses (yes excuses, because they will never be a valid reason) I could give you include a BIG ST. JOHN activities and competitions, boyfriend, friends, losing a friend, losing another friend, feeling shitty about myself, being president, being a prefect, some stuffs I don't like and more shitty excuses. But at the end of the day I will always know that those are just excuses. There are hundreds and thousands more of students out there dealing with their own issues and theirs may be much shittier but they still can do it. So maybe I'll just have to accept the fact that I am not good at living life.
Yes. I lead a bad life. And I feel bad about it. Some people don't even get chances and opportunities that I do and yet I don't make the best out of it. It has become the way I live - a lifestyle, I say. I lead so, so badly. To those juniors who told me I was a good cadet leader, thank you very much, but I feel so, so bad when they say such thing, because I know I am not what they say I am. Had I been given the chance to go back to last year, I would definitely make things right. I don't even know how people do it, being good at everything. Maybe that's because I have never pushed myself the way I should. I ought to, but well, you know.
I am not proud of the things I've done, and I am certainly not proud of who I am. I am not suppose to be who I am today. According to plan, I am suppose to be that person I have always wanted to be. I have failed on doing that. Shit happens. And I deal with shits so shittily that it made me such a shitty person right now. For example, I avoid things. I try my best to avoid problems and shits instead of overcoming them. When someone I think owe an apology to talks to me, I ignore them. When the playlist shuffled to a TVXQ song, I press next. Yes, it is that bad.
There are just some things I have never talked about here just because I don't see the necessity to face them. Well truth is, no matter how much pain it's going to bring, we all have to deal with our problems. Escapism is never the answer - I know that, but I do not live with that. I just stopped posting about TVXQ here all of a sudden and I've never explained what happened. It's because I don't even dare to write it out. That they have been disbanded. That they have parted. And at some point I felt hurt and betrayed, because of the hope they have once given me. They have said before that they will always be together no matter what, and when the news of their disband was confirmed, I didn't even want to read it. Of course, it wasn't their fault, like I said, shit happens. But everything about them just reminds me of the good old happy times they have once given to me, and now that I know that I'll never have them back, I just..don't know what to do. So whenever I saw something about them on the net, or in the magazines, or when their song plays, I will do what has already become my habit - ignore. And I'm not proud of what I do.
I don't know what to do.
I really don't know what to do.
No matter how many times I think about it, how many people I ask about it, at the end of the day I am the one who is going to make the decision. My conclusion is that I want to do something I am really good at, and be excellent at it, and feel absolutely good at my career. I want to be so good at it that I can tell whether it's right or wrong immediately when asked. I can promise that I will be good at my job if I am going to be a boring accountant, but I can't promise that I will not give second shitty thoughts and feel bad and sad and full of regrets when I see someone else wearing scrubs, when I am not.
I am being mad at life, or rather, should I say, myself.
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