Things started to get better last week. For a little while, my soul truly experienced joy, and the smile I presented to those hundreds of customers were, for the first time since months, genuine.
I can still clearly remember the day I stopped being genuine. Stopped trying to make people's day. Stop adding a cheerful 'have a great day!' at the end of conversations with people. Even stopped trying to initiate conversations. It was a miserable, miserable Sunday. The first of the year. That day, I specifically insisted on not holding any cash registers, but I had no choice. The store lacked of workers that time, and as much as my manager understood my request and my mood, she couldn't do anything about it. That day, all hope seemed lost, and I could feel that things were soon to fall apart. Which, of course, they did.
Funny thing though. That very Sunday, I had not one, but two unexpected visitors to the store. First was a friend of my aunt, whom I almost missed because I wasn't looking. Or rather, I did not want to look, because I knew that looking at them without being able to put on a smile would be a bad thing. But I somehow did, and I was thankful for that. He was (and still is) a cheerful man and the things he said always makes people laugh, so his visit did lifted up my spirit, for a while. The next visitor was one of my many aunts. She made all her way here to my store and she brought my adorable cousin along. And I thought that, God really has a way of telling me that things could be better.
Last week, after being able to miraculously shut down the part of my brain that produces unnecessary, harmful thoughts, everything was good again. I felt good, normal good. And this time I really tried to make myself remember how good I felt, the very tiny details of those precious moments, because they may come in handy whenever I feel down, again.
(That really helped by the way. I do feel better now. But still.)
At one point, I was certain that I wouldn't feel like that again.
But oh how very wrong I was.
The thing is, this year has not been great for me at all. And yes, I think a lot, all the time. I think about the past, all those shitty mistakes could not be undone, all those life decisions that went terribly, terribly, wrong. As much as I hate to admit it, I regret. I regret every single day. And I think, I just think, that in order to completely erase that endless feeling of remorse, I must first forgive myself. I must let it go. But heck, I know I won't be able to do that. Not when I live in my mistake everyday.
I don't belong where I am now, honestly. It has been ten months and if anything, I am experiencing a negative progress in life, every single day. Things are just bad. I am basically studying Business, which is pretty lame and stupid, but this happens only because of my stupid decision. So it all comes back to me. I caused this. I caused everything. This is nothing I want, but I was too stupid and blinded to realize this earlier. This is why I feel bad. This is why I feel angry. This is why I cry.
My idea of 'university', since young, has always been simple and clear. I pictured studying maths with scary, alien-like formula. Scientific equation all around. Doing great things. Being great. Adventurous. One day I recalled this and that pang of sorrow just hit me when I realized I would never go deeper into mathematics, ever again.
Everyday I try to find a valid reason to stay in KDU but until now there is not one. I am not doing great things. I am not developing myself even. I do not participate, I do not grow. I I had tens of solid reasons to stay in KMS, and yet I chose to leave. I could not emphasize more on how stupid I am. Keep asking me. I'll keep telling you it's because I'm stupid because honestly, I don't know. I really don't know. I don't know why did I cry so awfully everyday back in KMS, when they had everything to offer me. The people there were the people I have always wanted to grow with. Friendly. Humble. Sharp. Independent. The lecturers were ten times more inspiring than my current ones. The advantage I would have of choosing my preferred local university. The precious opportunity I got to pursue Science, once again. Only I realized all these too late.
I do not belong here. I do not feel great. The last time I felt great was when I had managed to jogged for half an hour non-stop, anything beyond that, I don't remember. I don't feel great. I don't belong here. I shouldn't be here at all. In fact, you shouldn't be here, either. I don't know what brings you to my blog, since it has nothing much to offer, as the way it has always been. A blog that was created to express my love for them, not even TVXQ updates any more. If you are still reading, here's something to remember: choose what makes you happy, because in the end, everything else doesn't matter.
These are the words from a person who learned it the painful way. These are also the kind of words she does not look forward to write any more in the future.
Here's to life.
