Stand

Wow. I love opinionated people. People who have their own stand, and are not afraid to show it.

I know I am no where close to that. In fact, if you are one of those poor souls that have no choice but to interact with me on daily basis, you would find that there is one very big, annoying, blatant problem with this being: I can never decide. Honestly. It annoys me to bits as well, but I could not help it. I can never decide what I want, or how I feel, or how things should be done. And this is just wrong.

I am 18 now and I shouldn't be like this. There has always been this fear in me that I would not grow and develop anymore. That I would be stuck with this anonymous personality for life. One that is always confused, blur, and can never decide.

Hollow.

I would rather say that I feel hollow than empty. There's me, this physical figure, walking around doing pointless stuffs everyday. There's a heart, a liver, a stomach, nerves and muscles that supports this physical figure ever since it exists. But then there's also this brain which coordinates every action, every step it takes. And that's basically all it does. It feels, oh yes it does, but there's no... stand in it. There's nothing to support this person. The body supports the human, but there's just nothing, nothing at all, to support, to define this very person.

I don't think. I don't analyze. I don't understand. And I don't know why. Sometimes I do all that, and then in the end it would be pointless. Always. Because that's just how far it goes. I don't take actions and I won't know what to do. And then I would annoy myself and everyone around me for that stupid trait of mine.

I was just reading my younger sister's blog. She was angry about people's attitude, and I could feel it. She did not hide what she felt, and she showed it by deciding not to, what they call, help. And I am impressed, because she knows that it was, for her, the right thing to do, and she did it. And so I tried to put myself in her shoes. Some fellow juniors who need a little, troublesome favour, because they forgot something. Which just shows how irresponsible they were.

And I really want to laugh at myself for what I would do if I were the one in such situation instead. I would, of course, feel bad for them for forgetting simple basic things. But angry? I am angry at many things in life, but this? I think I would feel sorry for them and jump out of the bed right away and rush to the spot for them. Or maybe I would feel very, very angry, but I would hide it, and proceed to do whatever I can to help them. Which is oh so wrong, because I am suppose to order them to do things, not the other way round.

I have failed very much in my role of being a leader, and that would be one of the biggest regret I have about high school.

Maybe it is because I am too scared to show what I feel. I cannot be myself. I have a little idea of myself, but I don't quite know which is the real me. Heck, I don't even know if there is a real me. I act differently around different people. At home I would yell at my sisters, in class I would speak out so stupidly, in college I'm as mute as a dumb and I do not participate in conversations, with certain people I would be what I thought was myself - until things went wrong and I lost that part of myself, with certain groups of friends I would have things to say but I'm as mute as a dumb as well because I fear that something stupid might come out, and I fear being judged. I fear what people (who don't even care) think about me, which is so stupid, right? Layer upon layer of fear surfaced the core of my supposed-to-be being, and then this is what happens.

That's the theory I propose. And I really have to do something about it.

I don't even know what's the point of writing this. Here's a stand for you.