2020

Oh, what a year.

0435 - I like listening to the voices of the... departed.

The Answer is No

In my latest tramp towards making life more bearable, I have crafted a song by accident, owing to a series of (the same) questions asked thrice within a span of 10 seconds.

It goes like this:

The answer is no
The answer is no
Nehneh nehneh nehneh neh neh
The answer is no

It is in a major key, and involves no more than seven notes.

It has quickly become one of my favourite songs because it is as powerful as it is cheerful. It is also incredibly convenient. Delivering bad news without demeaning a human spirit is now made possible. On some occasions, it is followed by laughters.

This song has proven useful many times since its inception some 40 hours ago. Below are some real-life situations of when the song has been put to great use:

'Dear can I get a computer?'

'Dear can I get a gaming laptop?'

'Dear will you whine when you have to leave this place?'

'Does this mean I can get VPN?'


I foresee more milage from this very creation in the future. To hear the actual melody, please call me and ask whether I will ever get a pet cat.

Time Fillers, until We Die

Happy May, and may happy be all.

Four full weeks into the Circuit Breaker (ˈsəːkɪt ˈbreɪkə - noun; a fancy term for lockdown) and I am still lovin' it. (Sigh.) In the month of April I had been out for grocery for a grand total of three times, and was only deemed essential by society/government for four days. What laundry? The last time I was out of the country was in March. In fact, I have been staying put for close to two months now. That is also the approximate length of time the hairdryer has been left unused. Not having to set an alarm anymore, my waking hours range from 11am to 5pm. I estimate the mean to be 3:55pm. (The median is 4pm, the mode is 4:30pm.) What little is left of the sunlight I use to talk to my book. True story.

As it is with human nature, we only know we want something after it(s accessibility) is taken away from us. For whatever (/exactly that) reason, I had this unwavering craving for kimchi almost immediately following the confiscation of my freedom to move about. And might I add, kimchi falls under the category of 'scare commodity' in this climate. It wasn't without failure, but we (SO and I. He lives with me now. No story.) managed to acquire some after a few attempts. Our cooking (Yes. That is an activity I partake in now. No story.) revolves heavily around kimchi, because not only it keeps us sane, it also compensates our lacking in skill and instantly upgrades our dish from one spectrum to the other on a edible-nonedible scale.

The next thing I craved for was cake. More specifically, New York Cheesecake. Also chocolate cake. And everything from Souka. While I haven't been able to fulfil my soul's desire for a good cheesecake (Tokyo Restaurant, Secret Recipe maybe, Cheesecake Factory - all inaccessible by foot) I had managed to get a small, decent chocolate cake off a bakery nearby during one of our grocery run. The very day before cakes officially fall into the same category as kimchi. And for that I am eternally grateful to myself. If you must know, this was the week where I woke up one Sunday morning to find out that McDonald's had frozen their operations here. In SO's exact words,' Dear, I have bad news'. I haven't really made a big deal out of it (, yet,) because I know it will only amplify the pain. So I don't think about it. I think about and give thanks to my chocolate cake which I had been indulging in sparingly. I ate the last of it two days ago.

Last week though, I started craving to - wait for it - create. Ha. I don't know how long has it been sitting there, but there's this faint, nudging desire in what may or may not be my soul to... make up things from scratch. Maybe it's the universe telling me to find solace in something that isn't there yet. Something that isn't already there, something that cannot be taken away from me. So I went ahead and create. Create pictures. Create drawings. Create accounts. Create arrangements of words. (I hereby attribute my presence back here to such craving.) And I am liking it so far. I'd like to think that I am giving back a tiny, meagre shred of myself to the world, a world drowned with all forms of art and creations. A world where I'm surrounded by others' creations every single day. It's insignificant, but, it's something. I guess. Creating is a long, arduous process for me though - I need things (that I truly care about) to be perfect, or in their best form. But, for lack of a better choice, I will keep doing it for now. I don't know how long will this urge last for, or how much more time of mine will be filled with creating, but I'd like to continue for now.

I have twelve hours a day to fill up, after all.

AALV: DAY 2/6

ARRRGHGHGHGHGHGGGHH.

THIS DAY HAS BEEN SO UNSWELL THAT I’VE DECIDED TO DEDICATE SOME TIME TO WRITE ABOUT IT. I’LL JUST DIVE INTO IT AND SKIP TO THE PART WHERE I DID NOT HAVE A GOOD SLEEP THE NIGHT BEFORE BUT WAS SOMEHOW AWOKEN BEFORE NOON AND MANAGED TO DRAG MYSELF FOR AN IMPROMPTU LUNCH APPOINTMENT AND THEN WITH NO PURPOSE AFTER LUNCH I WENT TO LOOK FOR A CAFE TO CHILL WHICH OF COURSE EVERYONE’S FIRST CHOICE WAS STARBUCKS WHICH THEN OF COURSE MEANT THAT THE GOOD SPOTS WERE TAKEN WHICH THEN MEANT THAT I DID SOME WALKING AND SEARCHING TIL I FINALLY SAW A CAFE WITH A CORNER SEAT WITH A POWER POINT AROUND IT SO I DECIDED I WOULD SPEND THE NEXT FIVE HOURS THERE.

WHEN ASKED WHETHER THEY HAVE SOY MILK OPTION FOR THEIR CHOCOLATE DRINK GUY AT THE COUNTER SAID YES, ONLY TO CHANGE HIS ANSWER 4 SECONDS LATER WHEN HE ASKED GUY AT THE BAR. I ORDERED A CHOCOLATE DRINK ANYWAY BECAUSE I COULDN’T JUSTIFY THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR A LITTLE BAG OF CRUSHED LEAVES AND SOME AMOUNT OF HOT WATER. THE WAVE HAS YET TO COME BUT I SUSPECT IT WOULD BY TOMORROW MORNING. ALL I ASK FOR IS THAT IT NOT ARRIVE WHEN I AM ON MY BUS RIDE HOME TOMORROW. I HAVEN’T TAKEN A BUS BACK ON THIS ROUTE FOR MAYBE HALF A DECADE NOW SO WE WILL SEE HOW IT GOES. 

I KNOW I SAID I’LL DIVE INTO IT TWO PARAGRAPHS AGO BUT PARDON ME FOR BEING ESPECIALLY ARTICULATE WHEN I AM ANGRY. HERE, HAVE A LOOK AT ONE OF MY ANGER CONTRIBUTOR:

I TRIED AND TRIED TO CONNECT TO THE WIFI USING THR PASSWORD PRINTED ON THE RECEIPT BUT THIS KEPT POPPING UP. WHEN I FOUND OUT MORE, AS PER SUGGESTED, I WAS ASKED TO PAY AN UNSETTLED AMOUNT OF RM166 OF BILL. WHY. DID I MENTION THAT MY QUALITY OF REST THE NIGHT BEFORE WAS BELOW AVERAGE? I LOOKED AROUND AND DECIDED TO DO WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WAS DOING: PRETEND THAT THE WIFI WAS WORKING. FOR FIVE WONDERFUL HOURS. IN ALL FAIRNESS I DID NOT ASK THEM ABOUT IT SO I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE GUY AT THE COUNTER COULD HAVE WHIPPED OUT HIS CARD AND PAID FOR THE UNSETTLED BILL ON THE SPOT BUT NO. I SHALL NOT HAVE HIM TELL ME THAT WIFI IS WORKING ONLY TO DEFY WHAT OUGHT TO BE FOUR SECONDS LATER. ALSO, WHY THE HELL DIDN’T THEY PUT A NOTICE ABOUT THE WIFI NOT WORKING BEFORE ANYONE DECIDES TO PURCHASE A BEVERAGE / RIGHT TO A SEAT FOR THE NEXT FIVE HOURS?

ANYWAY FIVE HOURS CREPT SLOWLY BUT I MANAGED TO LIVE THROUGH IT THANKS TO MUCH UNUSED PHONE DATA. BUT. STILL.

NIGHT WAS QUITE ALRIGHT BECAUSE I HAD DINNER WITH LOVELY PEOPLE BUT I HAVE REACHED  THE POINT WHERE IT WOULD BE WEIRD IF I UNCAPITALIZED MY WRITING SO JUST READ THIS SWIFTLY AS IF I WERE STILL ANGRY.

AND THEN.

I SHALL DIVE INTO THE PART WHERE ONCE AGAIN INTERNET WAS REQUIRED AND A CERTAIN PLACE WAS SELECTED BASED ON THE INFORMATION PROVIDED BY GOOGLE MAPS. BEFORE PLACING AN ORDER FOR A BEVERAGE THAT I DO NOT WISH TO CONSUME, I SPECIFICALLY ASKED TO CONFIRM THAT THEIR CLOSING TIME WAS AT 1AM AND OF COURSE GUY AT THE COUNTER SAID YES. IT WAS 11:50PM THEN AND WHEN WE RECEIVED OUR DRINK SOME MINUTES LATER OF COURSE WE WERE TOLD THAT THEY CLOSE AT 12 THAT NIGHT AND BY THIS POINT I HAD MADE MYSELF COMFORTABLE, CHARIZARD WAS AWOKEN AND I WAS ABOUT TO START AN ONLINE ASSESSMENT WHICH ONCE STARTED HAS TO BE CONTINUED FOR THE NEXT 35 MINUTES. ALL I WANT IS TO GET A JOB THAT PAYS LESS THAN HALF MY CURRENT EARNINGS WITH 10 TIMES THE WORKLOAD WHY WON’T ANYONE LET ME HAVE IT ARGHGHGHGHGGHHGGHGHGH

That's not how it works

The problem with my life, on top of it being someone else's idea, is that I, the fruit of an idea, have no idea on how to run it. Also, I am not supposed talk much about it. I am beginning to realize that my life has been centering around pretty much work and the rules (spoken and unspoken) that comes with it for the past three years, and in honouring them I have been restricting and suppressing myself so much. I want to say no more, but.

Despite my painless effort of hoping for a cancellation earlier yesterday, I had one of my best days at work today. A certain one-day affair that repels many. By the grace of God I am able to list out the beverages I had prepared today: a glass of orange and pineapple mix and two glasses of coke zeros.    And, the people were lovely. My eyes are threatening to shut right now but I would really rather get my feelings out before I sleep tonight.

Yes I asked for this.

Four months ago I acquired two units of wardrobe, thinking it would solve all the problems I have in life. That's not meant to be a direct equation, but you get the point. For whatever reason I had the impression that finally, with this bold move, my life would turn around, my obstructions all gone. Except that they aren't. They are very much still around. In my wardrobe, in my head, on the table. In spite of that I am very much tempted to dedicate my next big solution to life to my future purchase of yet another iPhone. To be fair, I am at the point where I am constantly looking for things to be deleted in order to receive messages, in order for Charmeleon (current available storage: 56MB) to function healthily... for two years now.

Now that I'm putting these into words I can see that storage is a grand theme in my life's problems. Oh the clarity.

I suspect that I gather my thoughts and write better when I am... not happy (I really want to say angry, but I'm not particularly feeling it right now). Every time I try to put something up here I end up with something like this. I came back from Los Angeles last week and I had every intention to at least write about it here. You (/I) would expect road trips, Grand Canyon, Joshua Tree, downtown LA and all that. Except no. I went to this place called Eggslut. They make really good eggs. Which doesn't justify the name really but I am learning to accept.

I may come back more.

Thank the stars it's Friday

1037: Is my flight cancelled yet?


*****

Update at 2236: Nope.

A Quarter

This is me. Having an existential crisis at 4:46 in the morning. Because what better things I have to do at 4:46 in the morning besides delaying sleep.

Ah. Sleep. My favourite and least favourite thing to do.

(I do realise that this space revolves heavily around this topic, now if you could please pardon my passion that would be great thank you)

The plan was to wash up and go to sleep right away. The plan failed to be executed. Instead I watched Mr. Beast buying everything there is to buy in a grocery store all the while thinking what must a 19-year-old have done right to be able to buy everything in a grocery store. And here I am a quarter of a century year old not knowing what is next, not knowing what I want next to be. (In case it wasn't clear enough, no I cannot afford to buy everything in a store.)

In the past hour I have paid gratitude and appreciation towards my job in the form of moments of silences. My fantastically, terrifically wonderful job. A job not only I still have, but also have started to miss since two years ago. In Mr. Beast's universe, you know you've made it when you can simply buy a house or two and give it away. In mine, you know you've made it when you can't remember when was the last time you were C3*.

The silence was first broken by the interaction between my hands and the foil wrapper of my newly acquired Mars Pods, followed by the gigantic crunch (and subsequently, crunches) produced by the act of my teeth breaking down those little pods into littler pods and then into... disgestables.

Somewhere in between the action I deleted my 3-day-old LinkedIn account.

You know what else I wish I could delete? The entire season 8 of Game of Thrones. Just. Blah. When episode 3 came out, I was fine with it. When episode 4 came out, I accepted it. But episode 5 was bizarre and episode 6 was. Just. Absolute nonsensical turd. And I couldn't stop thinking about it. (My favourite song this season, by the way, contrary to popular choice, is The Bells) I think about it when I go to shower. I think about it when I'm in the crew bunk. I think about it when I try to order food. I think about it when all I want to is fall asleep. I think about it when I have nothing else to think about. 

These are the things that fill up my head these days. 15-year-old-me would be livid.

Thank goodness I'm ten years older than her now.

(P.S. Thank you for providing me with readership, as an incentive for continuity here is a scene that made me smile and forget about season 8 for 5 minutes this week.)

* not a desirable work position

do you sometimes

almost 

forget that

you have work tomorrow

Life in a Day

Here's how it goes in a day of my life: I wake up past noon, I count my remaining TUC (time of useful consciousness) until I have to sleep again, and I prepare for the night. I usually have about four hours to play with until I need to hit the sack again, and it's always never enough. Today I got up at 2+. My reporting is at 2355 tonight. This means I need to get out by 10:30pm, which means I need to wake up by 9pm, which also means I need to sleep by 6pm if I want to have a chance at a very good rest before work. (It also means that while everyone else is out there counting down and celebrating, we would have only been 5 minutes into work. Well.) So according to my calculations, my TUC is less than four hours. And if we are to abide by my calculations strictly, I'm supposed to be sleeping right now. But I'm not, yet, because I always feel like there's not enough time for everything. First thing I did after I got up today was to eat some good digestive biscuits from Marks & Spencers (only 75p, wow), and then I started to prepare for work. First I dread preparing, then I wrote down the name list, next I pasted the stickers on the bar order pad (my least favourite part of preparing), then I folded said stickers individually so that it's easier to be torn out later (my least favourite part of preparing), then I wrote down seat numbers for both aisle (my least favourite part of preparing). And then I had to pack, so I did (also my least favourite part of preparing). (I really hate preparing for work.) Subsequently I painted my nails. All twenty of them. Then because I'm going home after this, I needed to pack extra clothes and some extra junks I bought on previous trips to bring back. And because I only have a limited cubic centi meter to fill up, I need to decide which junk to bring with me, and which will be remain in my nail-polish-smelling room. Today I'm bringing three Christmas presents along with me, I hope my beautiful handwork of wrapping doesn't fall apart. I also hope the contents don't die. I'm kidding. I am against buying living things for people. Except flowers. Because flowers are lovely and brighten up people's day and is just a short-term commitment. I will never buy tortoises as a present to others.


[to be continued because I intend to have a great time at work tonight and the first step to such success is to have enough sleep, kthxbai brb]

breathe for a minute

seriously
when will i be able to blow my nose
like everyone else 

- my first attempt at poetry



the birds are chirping
why am i not sleeping

- monologue at 5:47am



my dreams are made of gold
- none of which i possess