This week was... Packed.
Packed with all sorts of feelings. The calm feeling despite the monthly (bloody two-day-ONLY) test. The little bit of worry about being so calm. The devastation when it (not to be mentioned here, sorry) was written for the first time in my seventeen-year-old life. The ignorance towards reality. The excitement for Harry Potter. The temporary happiness to see pretty things. The celebration of one's life. The satisfaction over an ice-cream. The boredom of life.
Things keep happening and time keeps passing by. Everyday people die, people are born, good things happen, bad things happen. And some times the same thing keeps repeating itself everyday. Since primary school, I fear just one thing - exam. The purpose of an exam is of course, to test your knowledge and how fast you learn. To me, exam was a good thing. It used to be, truthfully. Because through it, I knew who I was. I was this person who would stay up til late night to ensure that I've covered everything that I needed to do. I would do my best and hope for the best. I aimed for the best. That was me.
I sit for exams every year. We all do. And it never stops. After some time, exam, to me, has lost its meaning. Exam has become just another cycle in life. A routine. It does not tell me who I am any more. It does not test how much I know any more. Now, exam is just testing my speed of memorizing a certain part of certain books in a certain period of time. I memorize fast, I do well; I memorize slow, I fail. That's all. That's about what exam is today. And I fear it no more.
Hence my condition right now. I don't know how to describe it. It cannot be. It's like I'm already fixed this way. Unmovable, unchangeable. And of course I hate it, very, very much. The worse part of all is that I know what I lack but I'm just.. not moving. The passion is gone. The eagerness, the enthusiasm, all gone. And the day before, I realized I'm turning 17 in a month. I have lived this way for... like more than a year?
No. This is not me.
No comments:
Post a Comment